What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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