everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
