I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
