The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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