Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
