mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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