I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
