I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
