God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
