The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
