____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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