every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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