Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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