mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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