I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
