you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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