I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
