I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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