oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
