I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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