I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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