I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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