i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Still dying that you shit outside
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
my nose is crying tears of wow.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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