I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
