It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
