I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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