I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
