Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
