I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it's like iHOP with fire
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
