It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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