I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
