this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
