I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
