Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
