don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
