my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
