she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
