I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
