Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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