I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
only if we run a train.
done.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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