Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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