my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
