I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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