That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
