im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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