how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
