So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
