im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
