I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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