Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
