i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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