Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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